When I Can't Cry, I Smile Instead
by SourWorm
Summary: Thor lives in a world of black and white, whereas Loki in a world of different shades of grey. That is why they can never see each other, because they will always see each other, but through their own world. Thor/Loki. Slash. Dark language involved.


Hi I am SourWorm, and this is my first fan fiction. If there is any mistake about spelling/ grammar, please let me know. I would really appreciate your help! _If you like it, or hate it, please leave a review!_ Nothing makes me happier than reading the reviews as the first thing in the morning! Thank you for your time.

– SourWorm

Thor / Loki

**When I Can't Cry, I Smile Instead**

Thor tries very hard not to let that cold voice echoing in his head.

"Sentiment," Thor remembers how Loki spit out that word full of contempt.

Thor doesn't know from when Loki has become like this. He doesn't know if Loki will ever go back to his beloved little brother again. What if the answer is no? What if now that Loki hates him so much that they will be nothing but enemies? No, Loki does not hate others, and Thor knows that. He does not hate Thor. Loki simply does not have emotions and feelings.

And that thought hurts even more. It is even worse to think that Thor is not even important enough for Loki to hate.

It hurts so much that even when Thor is walking with Loki side by side now, there is nothing but cold heavy silence accompanies them.

Loki is quiet. Loki is always quiet, even without that gag on his face, Thor thinks. He glimpses at the slim god, whose beautiful green eyes looking down. He walks in a gentle, obedient pace a little bit behind Thor.

That is when Thor stops.

The stop was so sudden that Loki almost bumped into the stronger one in front of him. He steps back a little, looking up, green eyes of no emotion, not even questioning why they've stopped.

Thor looks at Loki for a second. He reaches out and takes off the gag – he needs to talk. He doesn't understand how Loki thinks of him now. He cannot afford to think. "Sentiment," that sharp voice echoes one more time, but still, Thor wants to talk.

"Now you are happy, with all that you've done."

That is not what he wanted to say, Thor realizes with regret. He did not want to be cynical. He just wanted to talk.

Loki just smiles back.

Thor is a little bit angry, a little bit confused, and a little bit hurt.

Loki looks at Thor for a while, deepening his smile, says, "Shall we keep going?"

Thor looks back, eyes of pain and sadness, "before I turn you in to Odin, do you have anything left to say?"

With the eerie smile, Loki asks with a smirk, "brother, are you telling me to make up an excuse?"

Thor tightens his fists, trying to suppress his anger, "I believe this whole ridiculous situation deserves an explanation."

"Explanation…hmm…" Loki plays with the word, his eyes glimmering with green lights, "explanation for what? You being who you are and me who I am?"

Thor looks at Loki in a rather surprised expression, his eyes widen a little, "No! Loki you are not… You don't mean… You are never a person like that!"

"Like what." Loki looks very serious, his features firm, tone demanding.

Thor is a little confused, "like that! Like the dark and evil creature that I have never seen! You are never like that when you were little! Loki has always been smart and behaved!"

"Well then face the truth that your beloved little brother is _gone_!" Loki doesn't know that his smile disappears all at once. He found himself yelling out, "I am so sick of being that little nice kid under your glamorous shadow! I am so sick of being treated as Thor's little brother. _Yes, I killed_ that Loki you loved. Now this one standing in front of you is all you've got. I can finally be who I really am and now you are disappointed? How funny that is."

For a second, Thor doesn't know what to say. He doesn't even know how to react. For a sudden Thor thought Loki was sad. He looks hurt and he looks… Weak. Thor has never seen Loki like that before, even at times when Loki was trying to trap him. Loki is always of elegance, even when defeated. He never allows himself to show any sign of weakness in front of others, let alone pure sentiment, but the one in front of Thor now, the one claims to be the murder of an innocent soul, somehow looks innocent himself.

Thor takes a step forward, shortening the distance between them. Loki all of a sudden hides all his emotions and looks at Thor coldly. Thor reaches out his hands as if he is going to hug the other one. Loki senses the intention, looking down to his own feet, and says, "Please don't." Those hands hang in the air for a second, helplessly, and eventually fall down, looking defeated.

It was indeed a moment of awkwardness, neither of them talk. The silence was so thick and heavy – for a moment Thor thought he couldn't stand it anymore. Loki still stares deadly at his own feet, and wouldn't look up to meet Thor's eyes.

"If that's all you need to say, brother mine." Thor reaches out his hands again, but this time, for the gag. He tilts Loki's head up, whose face of no emotion as usual. "Why you always distort the form of others' love? Why don't you see that all I have done came from my love for you, brother?"

Loki looks right into the eyes of Thor, who cannot read his little brother's emotion at all. It looks plain, but Thor knows that there must be something beneath the mask Loki always puts on.

"I believe that we need to go now." Loki talks casually, as if there is no question hanging in the air, pressing him to answer.

Thor looks hurt. He sighed, and put the gag back onto Loki's mouth. Thor knows soon after that, they will be heading toward where they need to be, where Loki will spend possibly the rest of his immortal life to pay for what he has done.

Loki looks quiet when Thor was putting the gag on. His obedience is so strange for the god of mischief. Thor can see nothing in those deep green eyes, but Loki looks at him in a way that he can never forget. It is a look saying hello and goodbye at the same time, it is a look of tremendous pain and endless happiness at the same time, and it is a look that contains love and hatred at the same time.

He smiles.

Loki's smile is a little broken, but Thor does not notice. Thor is oblivious. He is the selfish one. He lives in a world of peace and happiness, without worrying about dark thoughts creeping into his mind. Yes, it always looks like that Thor is the one who is fighting, Thor is the one who is taking care of the situation, and Thor is the one who has to stand out for the two. But Thor is blessed by his oblivion of underlying emotions. The physical fights might injure the body, but those injures are curable. It is the emotional ones that go deep under the skin, into the flesh and carve on the bones. The pain might stop after years of persuasion and mind power, but the scar will be there forever. Once in a while, when the heart is weak the mind bewildered, the blood would always break through the thick callouses, spouting out with unbearable pain.

And Loki does have emotions. It's just that he doesn't let anyone see it.

The world Thor lives in is bright and straightforward. There is obvious right and wrong, and it is easy to live in. The one for Loki is not as perfect. There are huge, black, and hollow holes on every wall, and Loki has to be really careful not to be sucked in. Those holes are powerful, dark, and strong, made of nothing but Loki's suppressed emotions.

That is why they can never see each other, because they will always see each other, but through their own world. Thor does not understand. He can never see another world besides his own, because he is the lucky one. The world he sees is the one that others approve of. Therefore, his selfishness is allowed, his bright worldview is permitted, and him, spoiled, in a way that no one sees.

Loki is aware of that different world Thor dwells in, but he cannot be there. It would be too painful to be some place where they can only be brothers. Loki is aware of his love for Thor, or can he call it love? Loki smirks to himself. He tries to beat against the system, the fake shining bright world. He tries to show others the dark side of the mind, the world _he_ sees, and he tries very hard. Now it all ended in vain, but didn't he know it to begin with? Loki has always known that human beings bury the scary truth somewhere in the back of their mind, and twist the bright view similar to that of Thor's in front of them, calling it hope.

Thor's action of putting the gag on is very slow. It looks like that's the last thing he wants to do. Loki looks at Thor, whose face so grave.

Right before that gag covers his mouth, Loki says, "Brother, you see, we are just in different worlds. Yours of black and white, and mine of different shades of grey."

Thor's action halts halfway in the air. Tears start falling out of those blue, brave eyes. Thor knows that this action will let Loki look down on him forever, but he cannot stop. All he wants to do is to cry. No he doesn't understand what Loki was talking about, but he feels sad. He feels something not of his own. He doesn't even know if the sadness is his or Loki's. He doesn't even know if he was crying for him or for his little brother.

Thor quits his original intention of putting that gag back on, slipping onto the floor and cries out loud like a baby.

Loki goes down and sits beside his older brother, who looks like a vulnerable rabbit at the moment, eye already red from crying. The picture is a little bit ridiculous, but Loki said nothing. He simply moves closer to Thor and sits beside him, waiting patiently for the mighty god of thunder to finish crying.

It takes a long time for Thor to finish. Eventually his loud cry becomes gentler sobering, his head on Loki's shoulder.

"Thor," Loki whispers softly. Thor is too busy balancing his breath to notice this change of name – Loki did not address him as brother.

"Thor, if we were not immortal," Loki keeps whispering to Thor's ear, "see, if we were just as weak and little as those human beings," Loki breaks the sentence in the middle to feel the silence and the now-quiet sobering of the other god.

"Will you kill me?"

Thor looks up in surprise and unbelief. He rubbed his red eyes and looks at Loki, whose smile now looks so beautiful, and sad.

"No! I… will n-never do…o th-that." Thor is trying to state the sentence as strong as he could in between his sobering.

Loki looks at Thor with that mysterious and fragile smile, "what if that is not a question, but an invitation?"

Silence.

Thor is not crying anymore. He feels something so heavy just landed on his heart, that he cannot breath. He feels suffocated. He feels pain, so much pain that makes him numb.

"Why would you want that? Loki." Thor asks at last, breaking the heavy silence.

Loki just smiles. He looks down a bit, and then looks up at Thor, who stares back at him. The stare is burning.

"Will you?" Instead of answering Thor, Loki insisted on his original question, "Will you kill me if that is the last and the only favor I ask you for?"

Thor's throat feels dry, and the numbing feeling is gone, instead he feels waves of sharp pain washing through his body.

"No I won't."

"But you know I will never be someone like you." Loki continues, ignoring the painful look on Thor's face, "You know I will never go back to who I was, and you know I will never ever become someone you will love."

Loki spits out those most hurtful words, to Thor and to himself.

Thor's facial expression is not of pain anymore. In fact Loki has no idea what Thor looks like at that moment, because before he could realize, Loki is already in Thor's arms, strong and warm.

"I have always loved you and I always will. Brother mine." Thor tells Loki in the most soothing way. However Loki does not look happy. He puts his chin on Thor's bulky shoulder, says nothing. Thor just holds Loki tighter in his arms. Loki still says nothing; only secretly wishes this moment could last forever.

Thor's voice breaks the silence one more time, "You only allow me to hug you like this when you are chained. You are not hurting me because you can't. " Thor touches the scar on his belly, the one Loki left for him on top of that Stark tower. Loki's body tightens a little, obviously uncomfortable with the topic. Thor feels it and releases Loki from his arms, looking painfully hurt.

Loki does not defend himself. He cannot explain for what he has done. He hates excuses. So he smiles at Thor. He smiles, heart bleeding.

Thor can't read the smile. Without saying anything, Thor reaches for the gag, and put it back onto Loki's face.

The trail is long. Being immortal himself, Thor questions if it will ever end. Loki looks even paler and weaker in the defendant's seat. Thor does not remember much of the details. All he knows is that it was extremely painful to be the witness and to give testimony to prove Loki guilty. Loki did not look at him throughout the whole process. He just sat there quietly, waiting for the final decision of his punishment. Thor did not know how long it took for them to decide, but eventually they've made a decision, and it involves Thor sending Loki off to his single cell in the middle of nowhere. The decision does not involve how long it will be, which means as long as it will be needed. Thor knows there will be severe punishment both for the body and for the soul in that cell. He knows that the next decision will not be coming soon, and his little brother will be locked away for a pretty long time even for an immortal. Thor has no idea if he can visit. He has no idea if he wants to. Looking at Loki now, Thor sees him guided by one of the assistants of the court, walking obediently in his chains. Thor walks towards them, gesturing the assistant to handle his little brother over, and exchanges an assured look with Odin, heading out of the courtroom. They are walking to the place where Loki will spend the night, and then, when the sun raises in the morning, Loki will stay and Thor leaving, for his upcoming journeys.

The night is long, silent, and painful. Thor and Loki both sit there. Neither of them even tries to sleep.

"So you won't kill me." Loki asks. It must have passed midnight. It must be late.

"No. Whatsoever." Thor answers firmly, feeling sad that Loki still sticks to that topic.

Loki doesn't say anything after that for a long time. He needs that time to think. He needs that time to make a decision.

Thor looks at Loki, "But I am willing to do anything else for you. Brother mine."

Loki inhales, and exhales. He has made his decision. After all, neither of them knows when they will see each other next time.

"Will you hug me for one more time?"

Thor was surprised indeed, but he immediately holds Loki in his arms, but instead of obeying to the hug, Loki pulls back a little. Just as Thor is going to ask what is wrong, Loki leans back in and presses a gentle kiss on Thor's lips.

Thor looks astonished. Loki looks like he is going to cry. His mask is forever broken when he sees Thor's surprised face. He knows that he has done the crime. He has made the decision, and now he has killed the last hope for himself, and has broken the fragile yet loving relationship with his brother. Loki knows that Thor will never love him anymore, not even the brotherly love that Loki never wants. No, not even that. Loki knows too well that for a child who is greedy, he loses what he originally owns while chasing after what he can never have.

"So that is why you have never wanted my love for you," Thor said after calming down, "because my love for a little brother is never the love you want."

Loki looks at Thor nervously, not sure what to expect next. He stands at the corner of heaven and hell, naked, waiting for the call of destiny.

"Is that why you betrayed me, brother mine? Because you can never betray me, and you only did that to catch my attention? Is that why you've been fighting? You've been trying to break the system, the system where we are positioned so differently from each other, thus can never connect? Is that why you've been evil? Because a bright and 'right' worldview like mine does not allow us to be together? Because you've been trying so desperately to show me, and the world, that there is a part in everyone's heart, which we call darkness and try so hard to hide, but it actually is natural and we should face it and accept it?"

Thor's tone is soft. Very soft, that Loki drowns in those words.

"Brother mine, tell me. Am I the one who blames you all the time for twisting my intention, yet fail so hard myself to realize that all you did, as well, was out of your love for me?" Thor reaches out a hand to caress Loki's pale cheek.

"Call me Loki." Loki's eyes start watering, voice shaking.

"Loki. My love." Thor smiles, whispering those magic words with an all-too-sweet and spoiling tone.

Loki throws himself to Thor. They kiss like they have never kissed before. Their hot lips burn each other and their teeth collide, tongues fighting. Loki has been waiting for too long. His long-suppressed emotions all burst out at once, leaving himself on the edge of mania. Thor holds him so tight, yet so gently at the same time. It feels like he is so precious. It feels like he is the only thing in the world that Thor cares. It feels like… Loki is being loved.

They kissed and kissed. For the thousands of years of waiting, no kiss is too long. They pant. Finally break apart, to catch up on breath. They look at each other. From sometime Loki started crying and now he has streams of tears falling down from the corner of his eyes. Thor gently kisses every crystal drop on the pale cheek. Loki looks at the stronger god, for such a happy union, his look immensely sad. Thor raises his eyebrows with care, questioning silently what is wrong. Loki does not say anything; instead he draws Thor back to him, and cries in the god's chest. Thor holds the delicate figure tightly in his arms, pressing gentle kisses on his head.

"Is there anything wrong?" Thor asks, remaining in his spoiling and sweet tone.

Loki tries to answer the question, but he cries so hard that he can't spare his breath and strength to speak.

"Sh-shhhhh..." Thor pets his lover's back, "It's okay. It's okay. I know you have been through so many things by yourself, but now you have me. We are going to face whatever comes in the future together." Hearing this, Loki tries to form a glad smile on his face, but that only makes him cry even harder. Thor smiles gently, petting Loki, letting him get it all out, those long inhibited feelings. Thor knows that this crying is much better than Loki's fake smile. It hurts him so bad now he realizes that every time Loki smiles, it is because he does not allow himself to cry.

Eventually, Loki calms down in Thor's arms. He balances his breath, and clears his throat. Thor looks at Loki, who has a deadly serious look on his face. He said, in response to that question asked by Thor a while ago, "Because a bright worldview does not allow us together, so you see, one day my love for you is there, one day my evil world does not end."

"And that is okay." Says Thor, which leaves Loki with a very surprised look on his face, "your worldview is not _evil._ It's just _different_. Maybe we can combine our worlds and create a new one, one with black and white, but also different shades of grey in between." Loki still looks shocked. Thor smiles, kisses Loki's forehead, and says, "We can have whatever world we want. After all, we are_ gods_, aren't we?"

Loki chuckles in Thor's arms.

"I will be visiting. Loki," When the first glitter of sun dances on the horizon, Thor says so,

"Loki. My love."


End file.
